So, it has been two months since I made that big decision.
Bunny was just 8 months old when we left my husband. We have gone through so much during these couple of months - we laugh, cry and live together. I'm upset with her for not going to bed early and she's mad at me for not playing wrestle like daddy does. Frankly, I wouldn't make it if not for her. That cheeky little monster of mine is the sole reason of my whole existence today. She keeps driving me forward.
I'd always told myself that I'd never put Bunny through separation or divorce - yet as it turned out, as our daily situations worsen and trying to do my our own growing up while raising a family proved to be too great a strain on our marriage: it broke not just the marriage but ourselves too.
Back then, everything felt so out of control. But by walking out of the turbulent marriage, I manage to get things under control even though everything gets really blurry sometimes. Its a slow moving transition and I'm not sure when the dust will really settle but as far as I know, it feels so much better knowing that things are finally moving. Taking care of almost all the day-to-day parenting and other necessities sometimes terrifies me but at least, I'm in charge. I don't have to wait for people, I decide what's best for Bunny and I get things done.
It's not easy raising a baby all on my own either. My best friend and co-parent is gone so it was really hard at first. It was a major turning point for me because even though he and I didn't get along very well but when it comes to Bunny we are still a team. It takes patience and time and a hell lot of understanding. To understand that I don't need to be so hard on myself just because Bunny makes baby noises that may distract my brother in law from watching the TV (he never actually bothers). And that Bunny never complains when she doesn't get a new and shiny Playskool push toy like other babies do (because my DIY spaceship made out of cardboard box is more awesome). That when Bunny doesn't want to sleep yet doesn't mean she was being naughty (she may need a few minutes extra playtime before willingly hit the sack).
And yeah, Bunny and I share a small room with my two nephews, with only two mattresses big enough to fit us but we sleep better. We don't have our own TV but we get to play and explore more. We give and take with life. And most importantly, Bunny doesn't see me cry anymore. We are finally happy.
She made me a warrior. She made me discover things about myself I'd never had the opportunity to find out when I was still in the marriage. I hope someday she will understand why I took this path. And that family doesn't necessary be defined by two parents who live together under the same roof. Family can also be defined by people who love us and whom we really feel close to.
I wish to find my own place to live someday but that's gonna take a different playing level of courage and a lot of proper planning.
As I'm facing the future in stride, I also wish to keep this blog updated with news on how Bunny and I are doing. I hope this can also be an outlet for me to release my steam of anger and pain as well as to reach out to other single mommies out there.
Bunny gonna turn one in over four weeks time and I'm super excited planning for a little celebration for her :)
Talk to you again soon!
